went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So much rum. So many feels.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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