so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
