Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
