don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
