Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
