I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
