Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
