Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i barfeds in our rink
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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