Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
