he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
