Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
