the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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