he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
