i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
