he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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