The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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