you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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