so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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