2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
