I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i dont even know how to be here
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
