Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
