wakey wakey hands off snakey
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
