k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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