Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Couch. On fire.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
