just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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