If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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