What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
