I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
