Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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