the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
