before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
