I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
