I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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