An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
