My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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