her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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