The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
