We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
