I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
