And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
