thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
why do cheetos always look like penises
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
lol hangovers are for mortals.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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