Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
