I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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