I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
