Just fell off a train. Bad.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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