So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
