i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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