My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
