i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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