He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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