I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
