Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
