So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
