I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
