i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
