New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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