Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
