alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
