I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
