Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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