If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
